I am glad to be back home. And on Saturday really tried to have a “normal” day. Saw a friend in town for breakfast, met my husband after frisbee, walked around park slope afterwards. It was nice. But I am still worried.
They figured out at the hospital that I have pancreatitis, which explains why after I eat even small amounts of food, my upper belly fulls uncomfortably full and hard. Pancreatitis means your pancreas is inflamed and irritated. This is supposedly all due to an allergic drug reaction. While I am not getting any worse, I don’t particularly feel tons better since having symptoms, so I am worried.
I am worried that once I start chemo, it will get worse, because my body will have yet another disadvantage to healing. I am worried (and paranoid) that this pancreatitis could be a symptom of pancreatic cancer. (It runs in my family.)
I want to feel like my normal self so badly, but my body just isn’t able to do it. I often feel tired, and cannot walk as fast as I used to. Most of my clothes (especially pants) don’t fit me right because I am so bloated from the pancreatitis, and generally feel icky at times. Oh and of course there are the radiation effects — which make me foggy headed, and generally slower. It is hard. I think about myself, but often times now I realize I am thinking about my past self. Whenever I see people being active (running, biking, walking briskly) I think that used to be me. Though I still try to think I will get there, but it will just take time, I guess I just want a little break from all of this.
But in the meantime, I shaved my head Friday night after I got back home. The radiation will make your hair fall out and it was starting to come out and have that dead hair feeling, so I just shaved it. This time around it was liberating, and I have a series of photos in which I go through various punk hairstyles, before ending up with the close buzz cut. I will post them once I get them downloaded.
Okay, I should go back asleep as it is nearly 3 am.