The ABC Cancer Diaries

A young, American-Born-Chinese woman living with metastatic breast cancer

11 months November 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — stevenwaseda @ 6:14 am

Helen is 11 months old as of Sunday, November 28.  November 23 marked 7 months since Wynne died.

It’s difficult for me to think about the fact that Helen’s time on this earth without Wynne is longer than it was with Wynne, and of course that time will keep getting longer.

I know on one hand how happy and how proud Wynne would be to see Helen getting bigger, saying and doing more things.  But on the other hand, every happy moment also contains sadness as it’s a reminder of things we can’t share with Wynne.

Here’s Helen at just shy of 11 months.  (Perhaps pausing for a moment to reflect on this life thing so far.)

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Happy Thanksgiving November 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — stevenwaseda @ 1:53 am

Happy Thanksgiving, Wynne.  We miss you so much at this time.  We miss you all the time, but we feel it more at holidays that involve food and cooking and getting together with family.

We miss the foods you would have cooked.  The ideas for food you would have discussed and strategized leading up to Thanksgiving.  The food you would have fed to Helen.

We miss the jokes you would have made.  The stories you would have told.  The songs you would have sung.  The walks we would have taken.  The driving you would have practiced.

And I know that Anita misses getting to see the new Harry Potter movie with you since she told me this is the first one that she’ll have seen without you.

I guess the only good thing is that you won’t have to watch the Lions play.  But I’ll still miss your comments about watching football games.

Love always,

Steven

 

 

“Honey, I’m just glad you were born” November 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — stevenwaseda @ 6:55 pm

I feel like this song (“Miracle Birth”) was written with Helen in mind.  And I know Wynne would’ve really enjoyed and appreciated it.  It almost feels like she somehow sent it to me.  (Actually, I also like the idea of singing the song to Wynne, except then the last line of the chorus hits hard.)

Thanks to The Debutante Hour for writing and singing it.  And thanks to Lee (and The Ditty Committee) for making me aware of it.

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Re-reading the blog November 9, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — stevenwaseda @ 4:53 am

It’s been six and a half months since Wynne died, and I just re-read the April posts for the first time.

I’m crying.  But I keep reading because it’s the closest thing to being with Wynne and hearing her voice right now.

I remember most of what happened, yet there are so many details that fell from my mind but came flooding back.  Like the point in time when the blog switched from Wynne’s voice to my voice.

One thing that still hasn’t changed:  The feeling that all of this will eventually pass and Wynne will be back home with us, playing piano, cooking up good food and snuggling with Helen and me.

But I keep also feeling the weight of the realization that as time passes, Wynne only gets farther away, not closer.  That’s hard and scary and makes me want to figure out some way to feel closer to her.  But that feels like it’s getting harder and harder to do.

 

Missing You November 3, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — stevenwaseda @ 12:49 am

Loudon Wainwright seems to have a knack for capturing certain things about life in his songs.

Missing You

Homeless

I’m Not Gonna Cry

 

Cooking with spinach

Filed under: Uncategorized — stevenwaseda @ 12:09 am

Just like the kind you get at the co-op.

I cooked with spinach tonight.  I don’t cook a lot.  But when I do, spinach often ends up in the dish.  And every time I do use spinach, I’m mindful of how much a big bunch of spinach boils down when you cook it.

I know that because Wynne cooked with spinach a lot.  And every time she did, she enjoyed marveling out loud about how amazing it is that this big bunch of spinach cooks down to such a small mass.

She was teaching me little things about cooking all along.  And I keep remembering them.

Thanks Wynne.

 

Helen’s first Halloween November 1, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — stevenwaseda @ 12:32 am

This was Helen’s first Halloween.  Thanks to cousin Lynn, Helen has a nice ladybug costume that she wore tonight.  And thanks to Nai-Nai, Helen has a Cookie Monster bath towel that she wore at the Halloween frisbee tournament I took her to yesterday.  (Though Helen also had her first cold and fever, which meant we left the tournament early to go home and rest.)

Of course, every holiday or milestone is also a reminder of Wynne’s absence.  Today it was hearing Wynne’s voice in my ahead, excitedly talking about Helen’s costume, taking photos, taking her around trick-or-treating.  I wish so much that she were here to enjoy it and see Helen at special times like this.

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And one gratuitous shot of Helen napping today that Wynne would’ve loved.

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