I just had my scan today, and am feeling a little better today than most days. Last night, I finally broke down and took some pain meds. I was trying not to because I don’t like feeling so out of it, and pain meds make you constipated! These past few days have made me appreciate days when I can easily walk, bike, or swim or just do anything active.
Cancer is so debilitating and I learned why this week. This week is the closest I have come to feeling like it is nearing the end. I mean when you can not literally catch a breath when you walk two feet or up a flight of stairs, how can you keep active? Without being active, what is the prevent your muscles and mind (in my opinion) from atrophying? I never thought about these things, but last week and my experiences now make me think of that. I never thought I would welcome the thought of a wheelchair. I never thought I would appreciate that little bench in the elevator at the breast clinic. I never thought I would spend so much money on cabs getting to doctor’s appointments. I never thought that that little button with the wheelchair icon could apply to me.
To get myself through the monotony of the days, I also dwelled in my memories. Memories of having long hair. Memories of traveling abroad and experiencing new tastes, and new places. Memories of being able to live life to its fullest. No, this does not mean I am giving up. I absolutely HATE the positive thinking BS which makes you feel like you can’t have a negative thought in the world. I don’t think I am being overly pessimistic, I am just realistic. I look over the list of standard chemotherapy treatments, and the list is shrinking. I am pretty sure that I have some idea of what treatment might oncologist might propose (other than a clinical trial) because there just simply are not many treatments left for me to try. The list looks deceivingly long, but some drugs are in the same class, so one could argue if you have failed a treatment in one class, the chances that another drug of the same class will work are not high. But of course everyone’s body chemistry is different, so you never really know until you try.
So, QOL or quality of life issues concern the cancer patient like me and even more so with my recent lung episode. I don’t know what type of QOL I can expect in the future. Will I be able to walk on my own? Will I be well enough to ever take a trip again?
What is also gnawing at me lately is that there are potential treatments that could work for me in the form of a clinical trial, but I am not eligible for those trials. And doesn’t seem like most trials have a functioning compassionate use policy or drug companies don’t like to do them, so in the back of mind I know that I haven’t tried the best possible treatment because the best possible treatment is not within reach. If there is anyone reading who might have any pull on getting me access to the trial I would like to be one, I will just say the trial that is investigating the PARP inhibitor drug BS 201 along with gemzar and carboplatin, I believe is the one I need to be on. The drug company is BiPar Sciences. Or any PARP inhibitor drug for that matter. If I get to try the drug and it does not work, then at least I’ll know.