The ABC Cancer Diaries

A young, American-Born-Chinese woman living with metastatic breast cancer

I Vant to be Alone. October 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — wenren @ 3:22 pm

This is my best impression of Greta Garbo. Lately, I have found solitude to be my best companion. And when I read Dana Jennings post (Dana Jennings writes about his experience undergoing prostate cancer in the NY Times), it really resonated with me.  I think lately it just feels depressing to me and to others to have to say, “No, my treatment is not working. I don’t know what will work yet because that is the nature of the game. But I have failed a treatment again.”

I guess I may also feel so “alone” in my dealings with this disease that it just feels much more comforting to be with my own thoughts and feelings. I don’t have to explain how I feel to anyone else, or put on a nice face or explain why I need to leave early because I am just too tired. Yes, everyone says you don’t have to put on a nice face, but it is hard to “wear” my cancer all the time. Because at times everywhere I look I just see people who don’t have to struggle with this illness, and it is alienating (especially in this month of pink), but there isn’t much I can do. I haven’t exactly made a best friend with someone else who also has metastatic breast cancer, but I have found support there when I needed it. It is strange to try to become close friends with someone who clinically happens to have the same disease. Sometimes, you realize that that is what you most have in common, just the illness. In the meantime, I am fine doing my own thing, and being at home.

In the meantime, tomorrow I have potentially my last round of Taxol/Avastin. Next week I have another CT scan, and doctor’s appointment to figure out the next step.

So, here is Dana’s article.


6 Responses to “I Vant to be Alone.”

  1. Gila Says:

    I’m here when you want company.

  2. Em Says:

    crummy treatments =( i mean i’m glad for others that they do work for. we just need more options and better ones.

  3. Amy Says:

    Sometimes solitude does bear the most peace and strength…you never have to put on a happy face and you never have to explain, not in my presence. We’re all here when you want company.

  4. Young Says:

    Dear wynne, I read the article… it was really thoughtful. I’m here if you ever want to talk.


  5. RC Says:

    So if you’re also craving YA fantasy, I’ll be happy to point you to some that Mr. Jennings’ article overlooked 🙂 And when m-W is here please try to remember how much you need – and always will! – solitude, and find ways to let yourself have it. It can be a priority. Love you always, R

  6. hannah Says:

    you’re in our minds even when you are alone, wynne.


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