This is my best impression of Greta Garbo. Lately, I have found solitude to be my best companion. And when I read Dana Jennings post (Dana Jennings writes about his experience undergoing prostate cancer in the NY Times), it really resonated with me. I think lately it just feels depressing to me and to others to have to say, “No, my treatment is not working. I don’t know what will work yet because that is the nature of the game. But I have failed a treatment again.”
I guess I may also feel so “alone” in my dealings with this disease that it just feels much more comforting to be with my own thoughts and feelings. I don’t have to explain how I feel to anyone else, or put on a nice face or explain why I need to leave early because I am just too tired. Yes, everyone says you don’t have to put on a nice face, but it is hard to “wear” my cancer all the time. Because at times everywhere I look I just see people who don’t have to struggle with this illness, and it is alienating (especially in this month of pink), but there isn’t much I can do. I haven’t exactly made a best friend with someone else who also has metastatic breast cancer, but I have found support there when I needed it. It is strange to try to become close friends with someone who clinically happens to have the same disease. Sometimes, you realize that that is what you most have in common, just the illness. In the meantime, I am fine doing my own thing, and being at home.
In the meantime, tomorrow I have potentially my last round of Taxol/Avastin. Next week I have another CT scan, and doctor’s appointment to figure out the next step.
So, here is Dana’s article.