I haven’t written as often lately because I have been waiting to find out results of my scan that I had yesterday. Yesterday was hard because I had a really, really long wait at MSKCC. Longer than usual. I was frustrated and hungry, and grumpy by the end. I always have to fast for CT scans, and when things get delayed it just means that I am hungrier, and thus grumpier!
I left my apartment at 10 am for an 11 am appointment. (Actually the test was at noon, but I had to come an hour early to enjoy my special drink, which is iodine contrast mixed with crystal light.) I didn’t get the drink until 11:30 am, then 45 minutes later I go into the second waiting room after changing clothes to wait to have an IV put in. Normally the wait is not too long once the IV is put in, but I must have waited a good hour with the IV. All the oral contrast makes me have to pee alot, and then I am cold because you have to wear a flimsy gown. So I had to drag my IV pole with me twice to use the bathroom! After seeing me in the waiting room, even one of the nurses said “You are still here?!!” At these points I have often felt my spirit crushed, and I just stop asking what’s going on because I figure that there is some reason this is happening but there just isn’t much that can be done about it. Overall these experiences make me feel quite helpless, passive, and resigned. When they finally brought me into the room to have my scan, I did ask them what the hold up was and told them this was the longest I ever had to wait. The technician apologized profusely, and was very nice, but said they had some emergency cases that they had to squeeze in. And in the end the actual scan part takes 10 minutes. I was done by 2 pm.
My preliminary results say that the scans are stable, and I will see my oncologist tomorrow for more details.
So, now that I am not working what am I doing? Taking piano lessons, practicing piano, and generally trying to be good about exercising (mostly swimming). Honestly, my best days are when I feel relatively normal and don’t think about cancer. Or get to have a temporary vacation from Cancerland. The past few days have been filled with alot of worry, and literally pouring over a list of common chemotherapies and looking at which ones I have already done, and counting how many I have left to try. Then comes the obsessive mental calculation of how much time (I average 4-6 months) I would potentially have on each chemo until there isn’t any viable treatment left for me to do. Fun, huh?
That being said, as autumn sets in, and the leaves fall, I do notice that beautiful tree in the park with gorgeous reddish orange leaves, and feel grateful that I can still walk, and bike, and swim on occasion, but my life and especially thinking about the future is still scary. I still do wish that this hasn’t happened to me, but ultimately I don’t really have a choice (We’d all like to think we are in control of our lives, but then stuff like this happens and says “HA!”) But I persist, and still try to live in the present and enjoy each moment. It’s so hard. I knew life wasn’t easy, but I didn’t know that life could be this hard.
Well, the end of October is soon upon us, which means I survived another pink month of awareness! Which reminds me, what was the worse pink product you saw this October? I think mine has to be the pink hats, wrist bands, and cleats, and other junk that the NFL wore one Sunday.